bottled bones.

ENTRY_39

 

 

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i wish i could live in a ghost city from ghost in the shell. its so pretty and aesthtically pleasing. i sure do hope noone is comitting a cyber crime. i want to be Lain and explore the cyber world, meeting people around the globe. connected through the worlds fastest internet connection. we are wired and one in this world. 

the faster the internet is, the faster originality dies. technology transmit idea and information hastily and we all consume it as fast as we can without checking the authenticacy of the information. we are one lazy being living in a dark world full of evil political minds. 

sometimes the fast information sharing and consumption with no second thoughts following, leads to trouble. for example, i posted a picture of bella hadid on her bed, she was under a sheet and was crying. my father saw this and, instantly without involving any concious intellectual activity which means he checks it first and rearrange his thought and opinion. 

i got into trouble. 

i want to escape this small undoubtedly, ugly world. 

i want to escape to the wired, to ghost city. i feel so lonely here without anyone understanding me. i feel so misunderstood with the way i think. its a contradiction with the way they think. i feel isolated and nothing resonated my opinion, noone understands it like i do. 

noone uses their 10% brain capacity and crank it to the max like i do, and i feel like a freak of nature for that. i dont feel superior anymore, i just feel rejected by everyone and everything in this world. 

im hopeless and sad. 

and many people would think the same as me because like i said, 

 

"originality is dead"

 

its hard to find a genuine true to nature definition of something because people bend their meaning from the original source. and with that nothing mattered anymore. but its not to be afraid of, its a competition and a motivation for us, as whole to go on a conquest to seek for originality no? 

in this world, of cyberspace if we can work as a whole and defeat the unoriginality, maybe we could achieve purity. 

i dont even know what im talking about now. 

everything i say contradicts the reality hahah. 

put this into a consideration to think harder. and try to not take my opinion as a whole. make an after thought, a deep one and youll reach originality.

the heartbroken.

ENTRY_38

 

 

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today im grazing on a subject thats a bit more sensitive than others that ive talked about on my page. today i will show a sign of humanity, a weakness in each every us has, which is emotion. i have been refraining myself from talking about this for sometime but, i guess everything has its limits. my heart has been broken by a boy who, i trusted and nurtured for almost a year.  

he broke my trust with simple words, broke my heart almost instantly. although i do not care now, it still hurts to see that a person you used to be so invested to just slips away from your hands and drift away like the ice melts from the north pole to the south pole, fading away melting from ice to water. 

my feelings right now does not represent how i felt, so these words i type in to from my heart isnt as severe as how i felt a few weeks ago, its like sifting ocean water to get salt, meaningless. these words arent enough to represent my feelings. arent enough to represent the tragedy that strucks us. 

now im happier. i dont find fire and the heat of love today. there still is tomorrow but, i hope tomorrow comes late. i dont want to feel again, i want to be set free. im not inlove with anyone but me and the momentum right now. im glad we drifted away, im glad the glacier melts. im glad and greatful for it.

and i dont see him as a foe nor a friend. just someone i used to know deeply, someone i used to be with. i do not hold grudges, if anything im thankful. i grow as a person and as a woman. although it hurts i did not shed a single tears, not for a men who threw away my hard works, im able to feel what i wanna feel and do what i wanna do for as long as i want it to be. 

in conclusion, i found out that i can survive without any male attention. 

rain season.

 ENTRY_37

 

 

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it was 2 in the night i have been up for 13 hours now i still cant sleep. i shifted in bed a few times with minimum interval, 3 minutes and maximal 5 minutes. it was very hard to endure, i did not feel the need to sleep or rest. theres an itch in the back of my brain, a jolt of neurons all over the noodle ball of mine. i just need to do something in the middle of the night, i just need it i want it. 

that night i ended up not doing anything and just blasted sundress - a$ap rocky in my airpods. i heard the way he raps the music satisfy my ears and brain, out of body experience. the way the drums jumps from my left to my right ears is unholy, it makes me scream all night long, sweat glistened from my bare skin. my cheeks are all flushed and my screams were apparent to everyone in the house. 

the way music really makes me feel things i cant feel in reality is wicked. it was so cool and so so... calming. i feel so fulfilled and so pleasured by listening to music. it may sound sinister but this is the way i can explain it to you. i feel like oxygen rushing to my head so fast, all the hemoglobins sticks the oxygen 100 times harder and better. for a moment i was in nirvana. my lungs were full of clean oxygen, all the waste in the air was washed away from the rain. 

it was totally graphic death scene cool!