anti romantic

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ive come to what i used to be, an anti romantic. ive tried things and i dont realize that i dont really enjoy what i did. i think experimenting is important cause, for once i know what i like and what i dont like. and having a boyfriend isnt something that i like apparently. dont get it wrong i love men but you see, having one of them is a bit too much for me right now. especially when im so young and have the opportunity to explore other things and options. 

all im saying is that, i want to focus on school and life first. love second. there will be time it comes. i hate having to be in a relationship with some sketchy guy that i dont even like. i figured that i need friend to spend majority of my time with daily. i dont hate them, guys i mean i just dont like to be with them right now (unless its chris fjgwvksufvgusfiodsezyisfduhgyae) BUT YEAHHHH having to commit into a relationship is annoying because somedays i just wanna disappear completely for 2-3 months just my style basically. 

i cant do that, i cant give the support they needed and i cant commit as in i will always be there and not get bored of you not in a cheating way because yo, i cant even maintain a single relationship and you expect me to go around and have 2 boyfriends or 3 or 4 at the same time? i cant even talk to guys without getting overwhelmed with their expectations of me being their girlfriend and their meaningless declaration of love. yk, maybe being out of touch with the new day internet isnt as boring as it can get.

anyways, now with the new school years rolling, i can just cut them out of my life, just drifting away slowly. they dont really give me any benefits besides making me feel less lonely. im also gonna do this to my online friends that im not fond of anymore. they are time consuming to manage and catch up with and i want to focus for my preparation of going to harvard law school. i wanna just break free. 

 

and sitting here i realized, maybe i should start stop using personas in the internet and pick up other peoples personality. maybe i should bloom into myself and maybe, that way id get genuine friends and someone who loves me for me. i may be harsh i admit that maybe i could polish that and instead of being harsh, erratic, too random unpredictable ill just be somewhat normal, i fit in with normal people. i mean i literally beat depression one day by saying "f00k it, im tired of being depressed i wanna be normal" and that, literally helped me. it was crazy and wowow its working?

 

i dont need male validation, i need my moms and academic validation. 

 

im still a simp for hunky guys tho

 

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