anti romantic

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ive come to what i used to be, an anti romantic. ive tried things and i dont realize that i dont really enjoy what i did. i think experimenting is important cause, for once i know what i like and what i dont like. and having a boyfriend isnt something that i like apparently. dont get it wrong i love men but you see, having one of them is a bit too much for me right now. especially when im so young and have the opportunity to explore other things and options. 

all im saying is that, i want to focus on school and life first. love second. there will be time it comes. i hate having to be in a relationship with some sketchy guy that i dont even like. i figured that i need friend to spend majority of my time with daily. i dont hate them, guys i mean i just dont like to be with them right now (unless its chris fjgwvksufvgusfiodsezyisfduhgyae) BUT YEAHHHH having to commit into a relationship is annoying because somedays i just wanna disappear completely for 2-3 months just my style basically. 

i cant do that, i cant give the support they needed and i cant commit as in i will always be there and not get bored of you not in a cheating way because yo, i cant even maintain a single relationship and you expect me to go around and have 2 boyfriends or 3 or 4 at the same time? i cant even talk to guys without getting overwhelmed with their expectations of me being their girlfriend and their meaningless declaration of love. yk, maybe being out of touch with the new day internet isnt as boring as it can get.

anyways, now with the new school years rolling, i can just cut them out of my life, just drifting away slowly. they dont really give me any benefits besides making me feel less lonely. im also gonna do this to my online friends that im not fond of anymore. they are time consuming to manage and catch up with and i want to focus for my preparation of going to harvard law school. i wanna just break free. 

 

and sitting here i realized, maybe i should start stop using personas in the internet and pick up other peoples personality. maybe i should bloom into myself and maybe, that way id get genuine friends and someone who loves me for me. i may be harsh i admit that maybe i could polish that and instead of being harsh, erratic, too random unpredictable ill just be somewhat normal, i fit in with normal people. i mean i literally beat depression one day by saying "f00k it, im tired of being depressed i wanna be normal" and that, literally helped me. it was crazy and wowow its working?

 

i dont need male validation, i need my moms and academic validation. 

 

im still a simp for hunky guys tho

 

if you look like doomslayer comment or send me an email (on the footer of this site) 

bottled bones.

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i wish i could live in a ghost city from ghost in the shell. its so pretty and aesthtically pleasing. i sure do hope noone is comitting a cyber crime. i want to be Lain and explore the cyber world, meeting people around the globe. connected through the worlds fastest internet connection. we are wired and one in this world. 

the faster the internet is, the faster originality dies. technology transmit idea and information hastily and we all consume it as fast as we can without checking the authenticacy of the information. we are one lazy being living in a dark world full of evil political minds. 

sometimes the fast information sharing and consumption with no second thoughts following, leads to trouble. for example, i posted a picture of bella hadid on her bed, she was under a sheet and was crying. my father saw this and, instantly without involving any concious intellectual activity which means he checks it first and rearrange his thought and opinion. 

i got into trouble. 

i want to escape this small undoubtedly, ugly world. 

i want to escape to the wired, to ghost city. i feel so lonely here without anyone understanding me. i feel so misunderstood with the way i think. its a contradiction with the way they think. i feel isolated and nothing resonated my opinion, noone understands it like i do. 

noone uses their 10% brain capacity and crank it to the max like i do, and i feel like a freak of nature for that. i dont feel superior anymore, i just feel rejected by everyone and everything in this world. 

im hopeless and sad. 

and many people would think the same as me because like i said, 

 

"originality is dead"

 

its hard to find a genuine true to nature definition of something because people bend their meaning from the original source. and with that nothing mattered anymore. but its not to be afraid of, its a competition and a motivation for us, as whole to go on a conquest to seek for originality no? 

in this world, of cyberspace if we can work as a whole and defeat the unoriginality, maybe we could achieve purity. 

i dont even know what im talking about now. 

everything i say contradicts the reality hahah. 

put this into a consideration to think harder. and try to not take my opinion as a whole. make an after thought, a deep one and youll reach originality.

the heartbroken.

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today im grazing on a subject thats a bit more sensitive than others that ive talked about on my page. today i will show a sign of humanity, a weakness in each every us has, which is emotion. i have been refraining myself from talking about this for sometime but, i guess everything has its limits. my heart has been broken by a boy who, i trusted and nurtured for almost a year.  

he broke my trust with simple words, broke my heart almost instantly. although i do not care now, it still hurts to see that a person you used to be so invested to just slips away from your hands and drift away like the ice melts from the north pole to the south pole, fading away melting from ice to water. 

my feelings right now does not represent how i felt, so these words i type in to from my heart isnt as severe as how i felt a few weeks ago, its like sifting ocean water to get salt, meaningless. these words arent enough to represent my feelings. arent enough to represent the tragedy that strucks us. 

now im happier. i dont find fire and the heat of love today. there still is tomorrow but, i hope tomorrow comes late. i dont want to feel again, i want to be set free. im not inlove with anyone but me and the momentum right now. im glad we drifted away, im glad the glacier melts. im glad and greatful for it.

and i dont see him as a foe nor a friend. just someone i used to know deeply, someone i used to be with. i do not hold grudges, if anything im thankful. i grow as a person and as a woman. although it hurts i did not shed a single tears, not for a men who threw away my hard works, im able to feel what i wanna feel and do what i wanna do for as long as i want it to be. 

in conclusion, i found out that i can survive without any male attention. 

rain season.

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it was 2 in the night i have been up for 13 hours now i still cant sleep. i shifted in bed a few times with minimum interval, 3 minutes and maximal 5 minutes. it was very hard to endure, i did not feel the need to sleep or rest. theres an itch in the back of my brain, a jolt of neurons all over the noodle ball of mine. i just need to do something in the middle of the night, i just need it i want it. 

that night i ended up not doing anything and just blasted sundress - a$ap rocky in my airpods. i heard the way he raps the music satisfy my ears and brain, out of body experience. the way the drums jumps from my left to my right ears is unholy, it makes me scream all night long, sweat glistened from my bare skin. my cheeks are all flushed and my screams were apparent to everyone in the house. 

the way music really makes me feel things i cant feel in reality is wicked. it was so cool and so so... calming. i feel so fulfilled and so pleasured by listening to music. it may sound sinister but this is the way i can explain it to you. i feel like oxygen rushing to my head so fast, all the hemoglobins sticks the oxygen 100 times harder and better. for a moment i was in nirvana. my lungs were full of clean oxygen, all the waste in the air was washed away from the rain. 

it was totally graphic death scene cool!

I L0V3 SCHUMANN R3SONANCE!!

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schumann resonance my love 

i luve the science of schumann resonance so much i dont really get it other than its a vibration earth produces around the world. we cant hear it but we can feel the vibration. its like those sounds the space makes on the astronauts records i love it cause its funny and cute like what do you mean you speak in 8hertz just made me giggle like what kinda socially anxious person are you? but i love u though

its like the earth is my little meow meow like bark for me but make it 9 hertz bbyboy awww no need to be so loud yeah just like that mmmrpppbbrrpp mrrbpprrp awww i love u so much earth and like the thundy was like im gonna thund yuo so you can mbbrrp mbbbrrrpppeerrr for your mommy. like you really need to get thunded so you can produce electormagnetic fields surrounding yourself. 

like if you and thundy was like "i hate you" you would practically be naked like my little floating meow meow rock is naked. awwww but its okay dont be shy show some more 

 

them schumann resonance mind healing believers are a different species to be completely honest like hes mine. my schumannizer is mine? wdy, you heal from listening earth moaning after it got thunded by thundy like get the thundery out of here!!! i hate you all!! lets go earthy and thundy. 

i hate my life. the way i cant explain this in a scientific way is so sad tbh. 

im so nervous lol. i wanna break the ice heh. i hope you guys get what i mean with that little femdommy mommy x subby malewife narration of schumann resonance. 

god i hate my life. why did it came to this. i feel like everyday im one step ahead to just end myself i need to work at the embassy soon though lets hope ill be okay i love working omg!! i cant wait to be busy.

catching up

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i might probably make a book 

 

stemming from my fanfic about jason todd lol. i hate myself, but whatever works, works for me. who knows maybe i could make some money with it. i might or might not be a famous writer because of how good my writing is. who knows. although, i dont mind being criticized i havent had one for so long. running further from the words, i am sick therefore i must sleep. and im lonely therefore i must find accompanion. 

i have no in real life companion besides j, a, and s. all im saying is, i think my joke between me and her is coming true. i delve too deep in our roleplay of becoming a femcel girlboss maneater manipulator. if this was a movie id be the most hated character by the male audience. its okay. that means im for the girls to claim. hah that is if i was liked by them? 

regardless, tjisd is real life. ask a few people about me, some hates me, others would be neutral.  its okay. its better than being too liked by the public eyes. but i mean im a hypocrite and im self aware. i want people to like me haha i wanna be popular but that costs us something no? 

unless i really am in a movie (yk truman show type of thingy) id be okay with it aslong as they dont film me beating up that old woman, mary from the park. the police would find out about me heheh oh buit wait, im in a show meaning im above the law. well who would want to see me do nothing but piss and shit in a bucket, eat, trying not to drop the soap but hey unless someone has a "thing" for that maybe.. maybe...

no dummkopf, no. i dont beat people up. im a lanky girl trying to be liked. 

anyways thats probably it for today. in two days, i will be graduating middle school. im very happy it finally ends. yeah.

i should probably make this into a story.

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youre my favourite form of entertainment. i truthfully never took you seriously. like i said, youre a form of entertainment. i will always take you for granted because i know you would be around anytime i need you. i cant blame you for that, if i was inlove with me i'd do the same thing until im sobered up. you dont need to realize that i dont love you, that is unecessary for us. and then when im bored with the shows youre putting up today, ill change channel and forget about you a second. but dont worry, i will always come back. rest assured, you are my favorite anyways so dont worry i always put you on my emergency contact, fast line while the other is gonna only be on my bookmark. 

everytime i come around your place its so 'tidy' and i like that about you, although i like making it 'untidy once i left' more. sorry i always leave you to tidy it yourself the next morning but after a few shots of drinks youll forgive me, and after a few txt youll pay for my coffee, which well i appreciate. also i forgot to say sorry for hanging you up for a few weeks but tomorrow i hope youre free, lets meet up again. lets listen to some songs and throw a party at your house only for the two of us. and yeah i swear i hate my ex i will make sure you listen to how crappy stories about him, and then reasons why i should kiss him in the middle of the rain and call him in the middle of the night just for us to fight the next sentence and then i run back to his house and make out with him completely forgetting about you in the process.

im sad, im so pathetic you wouldnt get it. im completely broken i need you. youre the only one whos been here since the beginning i need you, youre so nice to me im so sorry for always leaving you alone, yes i was jealous of your obvious friendship relations with them girls i just need you to be here. i dont care im not ashamed i need you so bad my heart is tearing apart so please come fast. oh youre here sorry for the sudden red code i just need your company now. comfort me and make me happy wont you? 

GOD YES I WAS LYING TO MYSELF ABOUT IT

I LOVE YOU

GODDAMNIT. 

i hate you. 

i wish you could just understand me. 

gosh im such a mess.

i need a pink hello kitty city bike tbh

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 me if i get my kitty cb: 

Iluv yuop bebe gril

IF you get me a kitty cb i will treat you like royalty. idc, yuor the love of my life i will treat you better tham he could i will kiss u everyday and listen 2 taylor swift if that is what you want babe. we can ride my CB bby its gopnna look good ilyilyily 

me if no cb:

dead

whar is life if there is nothing to cherish?

nothing to be proud of

nothing...

what is life without anythimg to be cocky off? 

we humans are egoistical creature

we need ego

i need ego...

*dies*

GR4DUAT10N STUFF

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i just hate graduation thingy it annoys me sm. especially that im somewhat a speech giver. using german languqage aswell its so hard bbsacbwhwhfb i wann a die. i dont wannna live i hate my life i just wanna go back to sleeping. i hate hate my old school. kill yours3lf sch**l ii hate yuo i hate you i hate yiy i hate yiut. 

no bo dy wants to go here i, not one of them one wants to be here we just hate you school booo booo lets boo them. i hate this hellho,e i thought ill find peace after i graduated BUT NO! I DONT! they force ,e 2 give somekind pf this stupid speech thingy that noone would understand since nobody barely apeak any german hereQ!!!!@@@

 LIKE

 

 

que monsieireur????>"?"?? 

anyways my mom said that shes gonna buy me the piano. im still waiting omg so excited tbh . im sti;; gonna get my stratocaster tho should i get the white one, the pink one, or the red one

weidr WErid stufffffff?

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hey guys, sorry for not updating at all for a few weeks now, im not busy or n e thing i just forgot this place for a while. but i promise i will be posting alot 100% 

 

also i made that "1000 tracks to heaven leads me to you" for you guys to listen while reading my blog posts. i hope you like it. i put some of my favourite songs there like "the other woman"  you should, NO YOU HAVVVVE TO CHECKV IT POUT!!!q#aw!!!! itds so good. it makes me wanna cry always inspire me to write a 50s americana domestic noir stories, maybe set in LA or New York or maybe in the southern area. 

 

anywasys, what do you want to see more on this blog? maybe i should continue the nostalgia series. it would be good i think. or maybe we shoulfd start a new series, about writing a story. something like lets write or write with me ish posts? and ill post my story here the next week. maybe ill do that. please do yoouor best thougjh causre that sucks when i put effort on someting anf people just dont care....

 

yeeehaw anyways im kinda tired i need americano, iced. ill brew some now. i hope you stay a little longer here. 

HIII X333

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HIIIIIII

 

HIIIIIIIIII

 

X333

 

im currently wiping some of the fictions. ill post it soon wwhe n i finished it. but idk where to post it lol what shoulf i do? should i just post it on seperatr blog? maybe i should. ill do that real quick. i booted up my laptop[ im working on my new weblog, when iuts done please read it <3

 

 

so this is how my last few weeks of junior highschool went.

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it was fun, for once in my life, i have something to look back and reminisce to. i got to talk to a lot of people and made new friends. i also caught up to my old friends. i love school for once. my teacher was fun too.everything went so well

me, and these girls, idk im gonna call them kim, tracy, and lucy were playing subway surfer all day long even in our exam. we laugh and cherish each other trying to beat each others high score finally, yesterday i reached the high score of 1 million and 400ish thousand. we were proud at each other. 

its crazy, it makes me i dont know, excited for the next school year man. maybe i could get a friend group. be the it girl, going to the school library studying with friends and go to mall in the weekends, making short video diaries together man. im hoping for the best. 

a note for lucy (the girl from before) (obviously fake name) 

although we dont talk much in our early years you were so nice, obviously were not bestfriends even until now. but thats okay, the littlest interactions we made was enough to make my warm my cold dead heart a little. i know i sound kinda homo now but, well bromance is a thing. 

regardless of our confusing friendship, i will always remember you, maybe everytime i see a girl with a big cute glass clear eyes i will be instantly reminded of you, and when i see a slim tall golden ratio girl i will try being nice to her, she'll remind me of you. 

i love you missy. youre always gonna be on my mind, freshly.

untitled forreal.

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do you think id end up dead before i reach 21? from my calculation, yes. plain and simple. i wont deny that im smart and my head is clear from all the suicidal thoughts or any sad thoughts, and even if i do have them, those flowers of mind does not interrupt me in the slightest bit. what does interrupt me are these constant need to go out there and explore, exploring the warm vibrant scenery in the west, where sun resides in the last minutes or maybe the cold, thin ice atmosphere of the late night in the middle of nowhere. 

do you think id die before 19? maybe the tendrils of that stupid weeping fig in the middle of my school chokes me while i was sitting and enjoying the breeze of air in the middle of hot summer day. drinking cola alongside my peers, maybe smoking the only-for-teenagers light airy wispy tasteful cigarettes, esse that is.  

do you think id die before im able to drive? ive always wanted to drive a cb motorcycle. it looks macho, and i feel more dominant than the others if i ride it. the girls will like me or rather my motorcycle which smelled like i dont know, money perhaps. i guess thats fair...i mean i love money as well. what kinda girl are you if youre head is not filled money even the slightest. and men out there, dont get me wrong i dont wanna use you for money i would rather search for my own by marrying a rich man that is, hah its a joke. silly men, they are so vulnerable with these type of joke. 

i love men.

ahUT UPPPPPPP!!

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IM SO TIRED WITH SCHOOL STUFF ITS BURNING ME ALIVE. I HATE SCHOOL SO MUCH I  HOPE I DONT FAIL THIS YEAR. I HAET BEING A 9TH GRADER I HATE BEING ALIVE IN THIS DAY AND AGE, IN THID TIME AND SPACE. I WANNA GO BACK TO THE FUN TIMES WHEN CAN I BE HAPPY OH GOD I HTEA MY LIFF3333. every1 m

listen. shut uPPPPPP im in a foul mood right. no. w

so NOYT COOL. LIKE NOT GIRLBOSS AYT ALLL!!!

CAN WE JUST ;LIKE ban school from doing natoionla exam or smth its getting boringggg as he;;; liek nobody caressss about your grdwres unless youre somne asian poatrresnts tbh. like why? im just already so tired broooo.... i hate my life. can i judst be marie antoinette, do nothing just eat cake and get beheaded lol bad jioeks/

 yeah butin conclusion school sucks, nobody likes school and maybe thats why i suck at spelking. right anyasy hpws your day? mine was tireng and suckkk i wish pwople liked me more at scholl and someeone would actually talk to me lol jk im famous';,

 

iam about to enroll tpo a public high school \ suprisingluy theyre richer than most of the people i used to be with in my like 10 years of gouing to priveate school. seems kinad girlboss environment plasce habitat 4 mr nglll. 

A SCHW33T PO3M,//.;

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 i know that days like this would come

days where id walk up to the isle with my head down 

the white veil covering my face

and the silent cheering of the crowd

screaming of the cathedral bell ringing

the white rose blooming into red dribbling mess

as i release my jealousy, i sighed

could have not this happening if you would oblige 

now i see red

while you see the green fire swallowing

at last we are together forever again.

3NVY? 3NVY???

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every teenage girl envies at least one of the girl they met in real life or the web world. there would be two results from this bitter feelings, one they would work hard to be like the girl they resent, two they would bully for the sake of their ego and to hide their inability to be like them. sadly, most of us always end up on the second route.